Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
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Pot warmers of the day.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
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HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”