Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
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Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
s
oc
i
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Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend