My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
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Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”