My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
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Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Easy enough.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.