I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
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this has to be peak English
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”