I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
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*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Phones down.