Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
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You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
Am I having a stroke?
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost