Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
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I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…