For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
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“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.