M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
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I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
peep davidson
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)