Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
You Might Also Like
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang