I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
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*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.