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SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Donkey Kong sommelier
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”