the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
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April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
It was worth a shot 😂
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.