When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
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turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.