I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
You Might Also Like
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Born to be mild.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
*offers Batman cough drops*
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work