“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
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Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”