No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
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Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Oh the world we live in…
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours