DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
You Might Also Like
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this