I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
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Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
me doing my best
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫