Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
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I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead