My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
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handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Practicing safe sax
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
my retirement plan is braless
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.