Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
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You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
If you had more money you’d be happier.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
I think this cat is broken