Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
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I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then