Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
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turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”