Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
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Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
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I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”