Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
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marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
thanks auntie mary
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.