A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
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“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
$3 #books
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down