I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
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Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
For the orator and chef in all of us
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]