Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
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Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Our lord and savoury.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore