Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
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If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.