Lube but for my dry humor.
You Might Also Like
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?