Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
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My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
How dude HOW?!
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people