My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
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My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?