[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
You Might Also Like
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
<—- homeless romantic
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.