If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
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Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Battery falling down a hole
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Harsh but fair
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives