everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
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{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
What about second breakfast?
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
Me too
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.