Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
You Might Also Like
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
i did the math
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!