I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
You Might Also Like
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
my lower back watching me try to live my life
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law