– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
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Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
This forever.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon