The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
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My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here