Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
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“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
why I oughta
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…