“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
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There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
I laughed at this way too hard.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.