An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
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[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Lmao the reply
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”