There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
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Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}