Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
You Might Also Like
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
the rocks need my help
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying