My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
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My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*