police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
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Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
satan: not today, microsoft teams
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*