“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
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2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives