Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
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why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Every damn time
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.